SLWTF - A Second Life travelogue by Garth Goode

I knew Visa Europe had missed the Second Life boat the moment I saw this billboard on Visa Europe Island. There’s a lack of imagination for you: Three young people create crappy avatars that dress and look just like them.  Or maybe they made crappy avatars and hired actors who looked like them. Whatever the case may be, I guess Visa went over budget on the island and didn’t have the money to get their avatars decent skins, hair, and clothes.

If this were true to (second) life the avatars from left to right would be:

1. a weasel furrie
2. a naked guy with a ginormous penis attachment
3. a lesbian escort

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

As it is the island is fairly dull and empty. It’s one of those everybody is marketing in Second Life so we’d better get an island or we won’t seem hip regions. They have no idea how to make Visa relevant to Second Life. God forbid they do something innovative like offer credit cards to avatars, or sell you a card with your avatar picture on it, or something. Instead there’s an airborne hedge maze, a pavillion with hanging credit cards that link you to web sites, an arena, and some sculptures made out of credit cards. Okay, the sculptures are kind of different. As for the arena… I don’t know, there was no schedule of events. Maybe Vic Visa and his Adjustable Rates have a regular show there.

One mildly entertaining teleport destination is the Cotton Tree, a bucolic country picnic area complete with tire swings. Which has a lot to do with Visa… right?

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Via%20Europe%20Island/132/230/30/

Island hopping is full of surprises. I teleported to an Island named Music City with the expectation that I’d find something musical to explore. Maybe a crawl through a giant saxophone, though I’m sure you’d find all kind of Freudian symbolism in that. Instead, I found myself in a large cloudy skybox that looked it was full of CT scanners or MRI machines of varying designs.

What they turn out to be are hypnotism machines. Specifically, BDSM  hypnotism machines, each with a variety of programs. Lay down in one and a swirling spiral fills your screen, as floating text urges you to relax and submit. Now, this is a family blog *cough* so I’ll let you find out for yourself what the programs are. They are mainly geared toward women so luckily none of them worked on me. Sorry kids, no boot licking today.

Good luck convincing your significant other to try one of these. Just step into the machine, honey. I’ll program it. You can trust me. No, really, you first. 

I ran into the owner while taking pictures, and she informs me that the place will officially open in a few weeks, along with a maze and *ahem* playrooms down on the ground.

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Music%20City/218/215/94/

I’ve been to Frankfurt in real life. It’s not what you would call a thrill-a-minute. So when I encountered a series of regions dedicated to the city I didn’t expect much, and my expectations were met with flying (drooping?) colors.

It’s a kind of dull, touristy place with some shopping, some clubs, and lots of glass buildings. A set of footprints will guide you to virtual versions of real tourist attractions (marked with a red X). For example, there’s the Hammering Man and a giant Euro. Well, I don’t think the giant Euro is a tourist attraction, it’s just a giant Euro.

The footprints start out at what looks like a newbie rezzing area. So don’t start there. The SLURL I’ve provided you starts out at one of the more true-to-life spots: A cheesy gift shop, complete with overpriced snow globes and lederhosen. It almost made me feel like I was in Frankfurt again.

http://slurl.com/secondlife/%20Frankfurt%20City/129/172/25/

Apologies for the long delay in posting. I brought a cold back with me on my trip and while you might think that means lying in bed with the laptop exploring Second Life, well… no. I slept a lot.

I did find a lovely little Mystery Science Theater 3000 (MST3K) community. (If you live under a rock and don’t know what MST3K is, click here). I always enjoyed MST3K, but I never realized how much fun it could be to riff on bad movies with other folks (and the Satellite of Love crew, of course).

Now I’m off in search of a Gamera avatar…

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Star%20Gazers/242/45/22/

I forget where I took this picture and I know that it’s supposed to be a Japanese maple leaf in the Maple Donuts logo, but it looks like another kind of leaf. Delicious, lovely, and happy, indeed. Is it a coincidence that they are selling these donuts out of an old VW bus? I think not.

I’m traveling right now and the wireless connection here at the hotel is, shall we say, craptastic. It’s taking forever for things to rez and half the time I’m ruthed, so mainly I’m just hanging out in my usual haunts and chatting.

In leiu of some exploratory notes, here are some Things You Can Say In Second Life That Would Be Totally Awkward In Real Life.

• “Hey, are your boobs are smaller today?”
• “I’m not naked, my clothes haven’t rezzed yet.”
• “Please remove your penis. This is a PG area.”

…and my favorite:  

• “Want to dance? Here, come sit on my balls.”

I’m a sucker for things that say click here. While wandering in the Ginza region I found a building with what looked to be a giant pen sticking out of it. At the entrance is a teleporter displaying those fatal words. How could I resist?

Well, someone at Uniball in Japan is jonesing to build a pen-themed amusement park. Cooler heads have no doubt squashed his dreams of the real life version on Mount Fuji (Let’s put a giant roller ball on top!) but he squeezed out the budget for a Second Life version. Okay, probably not. This is more like a class in Pen Marketing Gone Bad.

So you click here and you’re transported through a series of tubes (maybe it’s the Internet) where you fly by floating pens and signs extolling the virtues of the the Jetstream pen (Addictive, smooth writing!)

At the end of the line you’re dropped in a kind of pen trade-show booth, complete with Giant Cutaway Pen and (I kid you not) Chairs Made of Roller Balls. All of which would be pretty pointless if it weren’t for the freebie upstairs…

Yes, it’s a Jetstream pen that you hold in your hand and will rez a giant flaming pen vehicle for you to ride on. Which rather makes up for the surreal lameness of the rest of the Jetstream experience, don’t you think?

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Ginza/167/6/57/

I discovered Deviant a long time ago, but it’s so impressive that it’s worth revisiting. Riann Maltese went to an awful lot of effort to build a scarily disturbing abandoned mental hospital. You start at a gateway just outside a small shop. As you walk on, you can continue up the hill to the main building or wander off into the eerily lit swamp and discover what lies there. Either way, there’s a lot to see.

The main building is rich with detail. Something awful happened here. But what? Why is there blood on the walls? Why does one of the Doctor’s offices look like it was blown up? Where is that maddening ticking coming from? What’s in the basement?

I haven’t found any answers. For all of the atmosphere, there seems to be no mystery to solve, no roleplay to engage in. This may simply be an exercise in creeping you out. In which case, it works wonderfully. So bring a friend and some Scooby snacks and make your own story.

He’d have succeeded if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Deviant/80/242/25/

“That country where it is always turning late in the year. That country where the hills are fog and the rivers are mist; where noons go quickly, dusks and twilights linger, and midnights stay. That country composed in the main of cellars, sub-cellars, coal-bins, closets, attics, and pantries faced away from the sun. That country whose people are autumn people, thinking only autumn thoughts. Whose people passing at night on the empty walks sounds like rain …”

- Ray Bradbury

Thanks to Nahasa Singh for pointing out The October Country to me. At first the sight of people sitting around a fire isn’t all that astounding. It looks like people camping. But instead, people had gathered to listen to a radio series (audio book?) together. In this case, we were listening to Crisis on Infinite Earths, hence why I put on the Superman costume.  While there is nothing that explicitly says so, I suspect the focus is on scary stories and science fiction.

In itself this may be unremarkable, but the people were surprisingly engaged, friendly, and interesting. We enjoyed riffing on the sometimes confusing and overwrought story. I was invited right away to sit down and felt right away like I fit in (which is not easy because, as you’ve figured out by now, I’m weird).

There’s more to October Country than listening to stories. There’s a graveyard to wander around, a Lovecraftian roleplay village and some toys to play with. Hang, Superman, hang! Ha ha ha ha!!!

Just be careful when you cross the bridge. You might have to share it with someone.

http://slurl.com/secondlife/October%20Country/221/222/21/

I’ll admit to being extremely math-phobic, so when I landed on Clock Island I was at once curious and appalled. As I explored the shores strewn with giant numbers and the massive hourglass through which numbers tumble downward, it was as if I were reliving a bad dream from by childhood. These are the things that wake you up screaming the night before a math test.

The numbers, though, are really the numbers from a clock. There are golden numbers (often verywell hidden) that contain notecards with clues from someone calling themself the Crazy Genius. His web site (www.crazy-genius.com) is part of the puzzle. The notecards are in Japanese, which makes the puzzle that much harder (no, I haven’t figured it out yet) but Babelfish or Google Translations help to get you past that barrier.

Even if you don’t care to solve the puzzle, this is an imaginatively surreal build. Is the builder a crazy genius or a nutty fruitcake? I’m not– uh oh, I have to go, the Number 5 is attacking me again! NOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!

http://slurl.com/secondlife/Clock%20Island/184/88/56/

In an effort to promote it’s X-Trail small SUV (not available in the US), Nissan has built a snowboarding and winter driving region. The snowboarding slope runs almost the complete diagonal of the region, so you have plenty of space to pick up speed and do a jump. Your goal is to made it to the bottom before time runs out. It’s harder than you think because there’s a tendency for the board to veer to the sides where you can get hung up (or, if you’re aiming really badly, fly off completely. Oops).

If you’ve made it to the bottom in once piece you can rez a Nissan X-Trail and drive around the hills in a time trial. You’ll also find some winter clothing freebies. If you’re driving around there is a spot where you can grab a foot cast and a crutch. Useful if you’re clumsy like me. Unfortunately, there’s no warm and comfy ski lodge where snow bunnies can massage your bruised ego.

http://slurl.com/secondlife/NISSAN%20XTRAIL%20ISLAND/21/30/49/